Muffy Vampire Slayer / Vampire Queen 2005 Horror Movie Review

Don’t be fooled by the title.  This is no parody, and it has absolutely nothing to do with a certain other vampire slayer we all know and love (unless there’s something going on between Buffy and Willow that I am not aware of).  What you have here is a very bad film parading around under an alias; the true identity of this stinker is Caress of the Vampire 3.  The Caress of the Vampire series is, in case you don’t know, the worst film series ever conceived by the mind of man or devil.  Sure, you’ll see naked women, but sometimes naked women just aren’t enough, especially when they are complete unknowns and less than attractive.  This film actually follows up on the story of the original Caress of the Vampire (just forget about Caress of the Vampire 2 - oh how I wish I could forget about it - as it had nothing to do with the original).

Here’s the story (and I use the term story very, very loosely).  There’s this female lesbian vampire from space who likes to prey on prostitutes.  Then there’s some woman calling herself a cop determined to find the boringly evil female vampire.  Each of them has a few encounters with loose women, and the director wakes up with about a minute to go and throws an ending together on the fly.  That’s it.  It’s actually much more boring than it sounds, as these women do absolutely nothing.  It lasts a little over 50 minutes, but it seems much, much longer.  The action opens with six minutes of a vampire woman posing without any direction whatsoever, we spend endless minutes watching a woman take a bath, and, worst of all, we are inflicted with several mind-numbing minutes of “action” from the original film in the series.

Let me be frank: unless you’ve never seen the female body unburdened by clothes, there is absolutely no reason to ever watch this movie.