Hot Vampire Nights 2000 Horror Movie Review

Shelly Jones plays Mina, the world’s most boring erotic vampire, in this thoroughly disappointing film.  Hot Vampire Nights is tepid at best in terms of intensity and eroticism, woefully short in length, and just mind-numbingly boring.  Mina is a little hot under the collar because of the negative image of vampires coming out of Hollywood, so she decides to change this mindset and get the real facts of vampirism out to the public; her master plan - call in to a sorry excuse of a really late overnight talk show.  When the female host learns that Mina is supposedly a lesbian vampire, all she wants to hear about are stories of some of Mina’s seductive conquests.  We, of course, are treated to a bird’s-eye view of each of these encounters, which sounds like it should be a very good thing.  Alas, though, each scene is about as exciting as stale bread, and the very few moments of possibly explicit activity is presented so poorly as to be, to repeat myself, boring.  The ending is easily predictable less than ten seconds into the movie (except it’s much more uninteresting than I expected), although the final moments of the film do stand out - unfortunately, this is due to the fact that the ending credits take up eight minutes of a film that only runs seventy one minutes to start with.

There is virtually no acting to be found in this entire movie.  The woman playing the radio host never takes her eyes off the desk in front of her, for reasons which quickly become obvious.  She is reading her lines the whole way through, and she is reading them as if she is reading them, which is my way of saying she can’t act her way out of a dark room with a flashlight.  Even if she were a terrific actress, it wouldn’t matter anyway because the dialogue of the film is so artificial and stiff that you could hammer nails with it.  Horror fans in particular need not pause at this entertainment mirage, as we never see anything actually vampiric in nature; not only is there no blood, we never even see the hint of a fang.  I think I’m being quite lenient in giving Hot Vampire Nights two stars; it really has nothing to offer.