The Item 2001 Horror Movie Review

Found this at a local store. Ok…I see the nice velociraptorISH eye on the box. I think, “Hmmmmm…is it a cool genetically engineered dinosaur? Or, is it some kinda creepy reptilian mutation?” The answer to these questions is a big, fat, resounding NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! False visual advertising. SPANK, SPANK for decieving US!!! The creature is essentially a big, talking…ummmmmmm…Wee-wee??? (Don’t know if I can say the P___s word on here so I’ll stick with wee-wee.) Ohhhh…and it is a talking wee-wee that has mind control powers. (Not unlike Tom Cruise. Ahem. Poor Katie. Ahem.)

  Yeah, to say this movie is BAD is…sigh…I am depressed to recall how bad it was. From the note inside the box it sounds like the “writer” & “director” was trying to pay some kind of homage to cheesy, gross horror films. Hmmmm. Well, I love cheesy B-grade horror movies. And, I COULD appreciate a good homage to the genre. But, you have to take note of what makes them so “bad that they’re guuuuuuuud.” The movie “Slither” did this wonderfully. It was delightfully campy and well made. The funny was funny, the action was actiony, and the gross parts were EWWWWWWW & grosserific. The actors/actresses were all well cast also. The filmmakers knew the films they were paying their respects to and picked out the aspects that worked. There were also LOTS of inside horror references throughout the film. The makers of “The Item” apparently didn’t have the same observational skills.

  What was wrong specifically??? The main points: The actors had little talent and yet they were given LOTS and LOTS of looooooong, boring segments of screen time to deliver loooooooooong, boring dialogue. We are NOT going to care about THESE characters no matter how long they yapp. Actually…this COULD make you wanna see them die by the hands of the creature even more. Well, that happens, sort of…but, toooooo slowly and disappointingly. In a B-grade creature flick we all (I think) want to see more of the creature no matter how cheap looking. And we wanna see it eating, impregnating, killing, etc. the characters in very gross ways. Right??? Not in this movie. We are all cheated. Nooo satisfaction here.

  The only think I even remotely liked about the film was the cute asian actress. Until she was degraded in the…ahem…“famous” scene near the last 10 minutes of the film. Sweetie…why??? They couldn’t have paid you THAT much to demean yourself. Ugggg. I’ve lost hope in American indie filmmaking. Anyway…I will be taking this movie back to the store for a FULL refund. I’m gonna tell them the DVD is defective. Which, when you think about it, is the truth. With THIS movie on there, defective is the word I would use—-well, the polite word. Beware!!!!!!!!