Frankenstein Island 2002 Horror Movie Review

Jerry Warren (Incredible Petrified World, Teenage Zombies) is to horror movie directing what Godzilla is to urban renewal! No one should have ever allowed him to pick up a camera, not even as a joke! FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND is quite possibly the nadir of all schlock-o-matic film-making. It’s certainly the worst thing Warren himself ever unleashed upon us. Plot?? Well, 4 bumpkins crash their hot-air balloon into the ocean, only to wash ashore on the title island. They are soon joined by alien babes in leopard-skin bikinis. So far so good. Alas, the fun ends there. 5 minutes into this 96 minute endurance test, we are treated to Cameron Mitchell as a captive sailor who knows nothing but how to quote Edgar Allen Poe stories. We meet Katherine Victor as Mrs. Frankenstein, bent on…, um, nothing in particular. We see her laboratory, complete w/ knobs, dials, bubbling chemicals, and a spinning bullet-box painted pink. John Carradine’s head pops in and out, burbling things like “The golden thread! The power! The POWER!” over and over. His “role” in this hunk of poo is almost as embarassing as Bela’s “Pull The String!” appearance in GLEN OR GLENDA! However, at least GOG was funny. FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND is so spectacularly dull, that I contemplated suicide, but decided I had to survive long enough to write this review! Oh yeah, there is a monster in this “movie”. He showed up at the hour and twenty minute mark, long after I’d lost the will to live. So, please heed my warning! Do not subject yourself to this cinematic donkey turd! To equal it’s effects in far less time, just stand in the toilet and stick your finger in a light socket. Aloha…