Horror Movie Reviews
More Details...Price: $9.95 |
Title: Phantom Empire (2005) |
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Review of Phantom Empire
- A group of scientists searching for the lost city of R'lyla face terror when they become unwilling dinner guests at a cannibal feast. But bad turns to worse when they face Zal, the amazon ruler, in her bedroom. Director Fred Olen Ray assembles a seasone
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Comments for Phantom Empire
- Posted on 2006-12-22
Anything With Ross Hagen And Robbie The Robot Will Be Excellent, I'm Sure...
This is a cheapie starring legendary B-movie icon Ross Hagen as a master spelunker, scream queen Michelle Bauer as a "cave bunny," and Sybil Danning as an alien queen. The plot is almost unbearably silly: some explorers and scientists go on a trek to the center of the Earth, where they discover a land of luscious prehistoric cave bunnies who can't speak a word, but who have crafted rather nice bikinis for themselves. The cave bunnies are entangled with a group of underground mutant cannibals (I never knew that when you roasted a live human female on a spit that you left her swimsuit on, removing only the jeans...) and the three parties spend the first half of the film chasing each other around the caves until a laser-wielding Robbie the Robot turns up to try to stop the fight, though he is defeated by the makeup mirror in a woman's compact. (Really. Don't ask.)
Eventually the explorers plus cave bunny Bauer emerge from the cave in (of course) a land that time forgot featuring an evil, but busty alien queen, Sybil Danning, in the most ludicrous vehicle I have seen in a long time. From then on there is a three way struggle featuring the explorers, the Queen and her minions, and stop motion dinosaurs clearly lifted from another movie (I believe they are from the same source as was seen in the altogether more entertaining "Galaxy of the Dinosaurs.") They chase each other around the desert, wrestle, and encounter a volcano (more stock footage) before ultimately carjacking the Queen's vehicle, blowing it up in a cave, and finding themselves free on the other side of the cave with millions worth of diamonds they discovered in the desert. Confused? You will be.
This is essentially low-budget monster movie mayhem, and as such is camp of the highest order. It is stupid, but cheesily fun. I recommend it only to people who like campy, trashy mindlessly silly pictures starring yesterday's favorites from the B-movie circuit. The DVD has several extras including a commentary, and a sometimes (though mostly not) amusing introduction from Director Fred Olen Ray; this is part of his "Nite Owl Theater" series, which I hope he continues in the same spirit of Joe Bob Briggs. The drive in will live forever!
Score: 3
- Posted on 2006-07-16
What more could you want?
This movie has everything: lost underground "civilisations", cave mutants, bikini clad cave bunnies, Barbeque Girl, Robbie the Robot (back after all these years with a new head and available for rent, cheap), dinosaurs, a spaceship, topless catfighting, swordplay, laserbolts, stock footage of a volcano and Sybil Danning bounding about in, and almost out of, very tight leather. It just keeps rollicking along.
Who cares if it doesn't have a believable plot, a good script or decent acting? If you want a decent laugh listen to the director's commentary and the interviews. Shot in about six days on virturally no budget, nobody took this seriously, and neither should you.
The eye-candy keeps improving as the movie progresses, too. Somebody in Hollywood must have made a fortune making bikinis for movies like this. And Sybil Danning, almost busting out, bounds gleefully around the set, swinging a sword, glowering imperiously down her nose and trying not to laugh as she delivers her lines. Sybil, the Mistress of the Master Race (she is Austrian) plays the Alien Queen. (In this one they didn't let her carry a whip, but at the bequest of the other women on the set she punched out the leading actor.) She is tall, athletic, gorgeous and sexy, which makes her one of my favourite actresses. Who cares if she didn't have to act? I've seen her act in other movies, but in this one, she just doesn't have to.
If you want a movie with reasonable T&A, a fast pace, a bit of a laugh and which requires no use of the grey matter at all, I recommend this. If you want a good movie, forget it.
Score: 5