Caress of the Vampire -- 2005 Horror Movie Review

Not only is this movie amateurishly horrible, it’s not even a movie in my book.  Actual movies have plots and last longer than 46 minutes.  Perhaps this is some type of deconstructionist film, rebelling against the idea of having an actual plot or hiring actors who actually know how to act.  As the movie opens, we learn that a dangerous female vampire has come to earth in her spaceship.  Two would-be “admirers” in a back alley soon wind up dead and drained of blood (although we don’t get to see any of the actual bloodletting).  Next we see a young divorcee moving into a new home (with director Bob Gonzo giving himself a completely unnecessary cameo appearance as “the landlord”).  I found it quite humorous to see that all of her belongings had no trouble fitting into her little sports car.  The vampire and her “close” roommate take an immediate interest in their new neighbor, but they spend most of the time rolling around on the bed together going out of their way to not be very erotic at all.  Necks are licked and a few (but certainly not all) pieces of clothing are shed-this is the bulk of your lesbian vampire action right here, and it’s barely even R rated activity.  Eventually, the new neighbor is exposed to the seemingly hypnotic charms of our alien vampire lady, and that’s about it.  Two far from competent cops pop up a couple of times searching for the “vampire killer,” but their scenes actually slow down a story that is already as sluggish as molasses in January. 

There is almost no dialogue in this film, and the few spoken lines we do get are pretty obviously dubbed for some unknown reason.  The acting is as wooden as the vampire-killing stakes you might find in other vampire movies (but not in this one).  About 90% of this short movie consists of repetitive shots of women caressing each other to the accompaniment of very bad music.  The only good thing I can say about this movie is that the vampires’ fangs were pretty impressive; it’s too bad we didn’t get to really see them in action on some poor slob’s neck-the bloodletting, like the eroticism, is assumed but never made explicit.  The only possible reason you would have for watching this movie is a love of vampirism in all its forms-even then, you will be disappointed.  Caress of the Vampire is worth no one’s time or money.