Future War 2004 Horror Movie Review

Hilariously bad.Wonderfully bad.While the MST3K version of this movie is priceless (“Thank you for not killing me should be a Hallmark card” “Weird PSA for the Catholic Church” and snarky remarks on the ubiquitous cardboard boxes),this movie stands out as a landmark of lousy filmmaking.


Let’s take those dinosaurs—they look huge,but in the next scene,you see how small they REALLY are.They overuse forced perspective—and you realize people are running,screaming,from midget dinosaurs.


Let’s take the alien “human” who gets tons of gratuitous shirtless scenes,Daniel Bernhardt.He starts out groaning&eating with his hands (while he camps out at what is apparently the Biggest Loser Halfway House for the Obese).Suddenly,he’s quoting the Bible and how he wants to “lay down his life for his friends.” He helps the cussing nun regain her faith.And when he’s imprisoned,he cries out “Cha!Cha!” What happens after the alien saves mankind?He becomes a rehab counselor at the halfway house.


Finally,let’s take this movie’s weird take on faith.It’s all about the prostitute-turned-nun who wonders if she should take her final vows.An interesting,compelling idea for a movie.However,when she’s taking her final vows,she keeps on giving significant looks to the alien&after the fight scene,one wonders if she’s given herself to Jesus or the alien.Huh?It’s almost as if there were two movies going on-an alien fleeing slavery-a nun regaining her faith-and neither of them fit together right.


“Future War” is a PERFECT movie for a good laugh.It restores your faith in that,yes,cheesy movies still exist and are a balm for the soul.