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Living with Fear

Choices are so hard to make sometimes. As you get older, you get wiser and the path your on becomes more difficult. Harder choices to make and it gets tougher sticking with your decisions. I feel as though I have the world on my shoulders today. So tired and sad. I am so scared of so many things. I'm scared of losing the one thing that makes me so happy. I'm scared of losing the life I have built. I'm scared of being awake and going to sleep. Fear is eating me up inside, every single day. I see his face. I feel him touching me. I can smell the alcohol in his breath. I can still remember the pain so clearly. The Fear... The strength he used. The brutal force of being ripped open from the inside out. Funny how you can be so brave and then tragic hits and you become a child... I can hear his voice. The sickness of hearing him compliment my body. I hate compliments. I hate living with this imprinted on my mind. I hate living with the fear. I hate knowing that I never feel safe. I hate knowing that I can still feel him on me sometimes, especially in my dreams. He haunts me. Knowing that I am a grown up and I cannot go cry like a child. I have to be strong. I have to make the right choice. I have to be strong enough to stick with my decisions. My dream is to go climb in bed and just cry for as long as I want. Not talking or explaining or pretending... just letting the pain and fear overwhelm me and just cry it all out. But I do not have that luxury. I have to stay strong. I am the one always staying strong. Who will catch me when I fall?

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